So.. first blog in about a month, huh? Truth is, I think I’ve just been so full of things in my life, there have been so many things. I’ve seen so many new things. Now, looking back perhaps I can better grasp the whole idea. Therefore this blog will be like a short memoir or resume about how my life change in the summer of 2014. I know I have an issue of writing too long posts every time I go on to blog, so you can imagine that covering the past month in the same style would almost be like a full novel.

I wish to just give you a sense of what’s happened in my world; how I’ve grown, what I’ve seen and how I’m doing now in school, and what is still ahead of me.

Yes.. these few lines, I admit, has taken me more than a month to jot down.. which is why I’m recording them on my phone as a voice message draft on my way to school this morning.

Probably my intention with this anyway was to start the big post, knowing that I could only ever get few paragraphs into this story before I have to go to class in few minutes… - smart!

But having begun this project, it probably means that I will finish it in my 3 hour break today. And to be honest I can’t wait sharing my past month with you. I have missed blogging, but I started writing a novel (which I’m already 10 chapters into), so that’s the writing that kept me busy over the summer break.

If I finish it, it could be a hit, I think…. Just like my blog, so I hope… which is WHY I have to keep on writing on it!.. I’ve only just begun my second year of school. And OH MAN how much I’ve already seen and grown this past year. I have filled to the top emotionally, and from this summer on I began to truly see how all those emotions came together and became inhabited in me more than a flutter of emotional bombs in all kinds of levels and genres. Now, after a year, I begin to understand who I am and what my purpose is in this city…. BEGIN ;)

I can’t wait to see what this year brings. I already know that it has brought much anticipation and butterflies for the adventures ahead. Now, as I just stepped through the doors of my school, I saw myself in the mirror and realized how brighter, braver and stronger a person I look. Yes… it’s probably just an exaggeration, since I saw my face in the mirror just yesterday.. but for the first time I saw myself in the mirror as a 2^nd year student, and I am truly proud of what I see.

So here we are.. walking up the stairs to the 4^th floor.. because that’s a new habit of mine, that I do not wish to break. This summer I’ve been putting on weight.. I mean it’s normal for summer time, I’ve not been exercises as much as I should, and also I’ve started the new way of life which goes about just eating what I freakin’ want! Honestly!... So I mean that’s both good and bad of course, but mostly it takes about half of my stress away. So in the end my new motto is NOT TO WORRY. Part of that is doing things that make you happy – I have been spending more time socializing and seeing the city, I finally figured that I’ll grow as an artist 10 times faster in that way! Also.. eating what I want – because eating truly makes me very happy. I believe food was one of the best things God created. Wonderful, truly!

So.. I don’t wanna go through a life time feeling like I can’t set my joys on that part of God’s creation. Opening the doors to the school.. heading to jazz class. Yes, I truly am exhausted from walking up the stairs, which I probably wouldn’t be if I hadn’t had peanut butter and granola from breakfast. .. anyways I’m happy, everyone else around me is happy. And today we’re gonna work on a jazz choreography from Chicago the movie, The cell block tango, that my teacher Deidre Goodwin was in! AMAZING.

So yes, I am also opening my eyes to what an incredibly amazing and inspiring place this is. With a school full of teachers that can open millions of doors for me.

Ok, deep breath, enjoy the day, peace. Truth is, actually I don’t really need that deep breath that I needed before.. the one I sent up to God that prayed silently for me to just get through the day without criticizing myself too much or worrying too much in general. That deep breath that would ensure me to get through the day, is today a deep breath that ensures me that I fully embrace all the wonderful things around me. It allows me to take a second to really think about how blessed I am and what experience it is to be here. You have NO IDEA how easy life is in this career when you can learn to just LET GO of your own criticism and worries. Man it is just soo easy when you don’t put such a weight on your shoulders or allow others to do so. That’s my statement of the day. Amen to that.

My new ballet clothes for this semester

My blog has been too quiet, yes, I know..

Actually what I felt was that so many things happened in my life that I could not put words to. And also for the first time in a really really long time I have.. not felt alone. I have had that person who makes me whole, and I’ve quite randomly made friends (really close friends for life) that have started being a big part of me.. funny actually exactly those people were ones I never imagined even having a conversation with, people who I used to be so far away from or dislike or be annoyed by. School people, outside school..

I have friends now that I get my energy from. I don’t recharge on my own anymore. I get it from people. I recharge from hearing from the boy who loves me.. yes there is one now; I found my man. And that’s probably the biggest story I need to share with you, certainly the one that changed me for good this summer.

Second of all, I recharge from friends that I finally feel understand me. People who I’ve been through thick and thin with, who I finally realize have made me who I am this year, and me to them too. So yeah.. it’s been quite a ride..

Cristina my best friend at school this year;

used to hate her, but she knows.

Now we share, laugh, recharge and compose together.

You know what.. I finally feel at home here. I always say home is where the heart is, and I still think that. Truly, I don’t believe that a person can go by one day (happy) without feeling somewhat at home someplace.

However, feeling at home is one thing, feeling like you belong is another.. .feeling that you’re that deeply integrated into a place.. something that makes you inseparable from them. Places around you that you now recognize too well, because it’s integrated in your past.. you don’t just see places for the first time so much anymore.. you see places and immediately see what you were doing there and with who. So yes, I do finally feel at home in New York city.. and you know what.. thank God to this place, and his wondrous plans.. NY is the first place I have felt such at home in in such a short period of time.

In Malawi it took me 2 years to properly feel like I was inseparable from the place.. but here I’m already starting to feel like what it would feel like to leave. I’m starting to know that there are people and places that have my name engraved in them. I’m a part of the church, my school and many people’s hearts, even the art in NYC. I belong here.. and I finally understand that I’m not a lost person just walking around.. I guess I’m still learning and trying to understand the pulse of the city… but now I believe I can say I’m a true New Yorker. It’s my home without a doubt. It gives me such a warm, and at the same time melancholic feeling.. because at the same time I miss people all around the world, I miss my family in different parts of Europe.. I have never once been homesick while I was here, but I am for the first time missing them horribly.. just wanting to sit around the table with them, being us once more, just bonding and sharing our lives together. I miss my boyfriend who lives in Los Angeles. As much as I’m strong and brave, knowing our love can hold the distance, I’m not lying when I say that I do feel unwhole being here without him. I finally found my better half who loves me for who I am, and he’s on the other side of the country. And not being able to wake up seeing the faces every day, holding them, being acknowledged every day like that by the ones you love most is like a hole in the stomach.

But already now I see how much I’ve grown, how much of an adult I’ve become. Having to deal with these things are not easy, but they are life.. and I think I became an adult the instant I decided to deal with those complicated things in life; I said yes to fighting for my love – I didn’t leave California reminded of a silly summer romance; I left having acknowledged fully in my heart that this was my man.. and I had the duty and responsibility to fight for every bit of it, even though it’s not the perfect way it could have been.

However, I have become and adult, I think, from realizing that the perfect – meant to be things - for us in life really are so far from what we imagined.. Those most perfect moments are the imperfect ones.

You have been blessed with things that make you happy in the most imperfect and complicated way.. but learning to embrace them and how to keep them is what makes life perfect. What I love about this life is that no one has my story, no one is exactly like me, no one has me and Armando’s story. So yes, I am proud.. I hope that many of you are proud.. at least you, mom and dad ;)

Yes, I have really grown up.. I’m not a child anymore.. I never was for a really long time, but now I really think that I’ve topped all my points of no return as a child. But I will do my best to embrace and emphasize the spontaneous and childish spirit in me.. I bet your bottom dollar that will never get lost! I will be spontaneous till I’m 92.. but you know what.. I’m now able to stand in the middle of NYC, looking at people bewildered on the street, - remembering how I once looking like them… I now stand here saying:

“Life is beautiful! I am not to worry. I should embrace every second of it, because we never know what lasts..” …and if they do – what really lasts in our memory, are the things that we make count – the moments that we don’t think are worth every other moment of every single day. So I stand here now, on 14^th street looking at the sunset and crazy taxi drivers lines up all the way down the street.

I feel hole with myself, and you know what – you know how I felt whole? – by touching other people’s lives, by making an impact in other people’s lives… by finally understanding things about the world around me, finally seeing the greatest city in the world. Finally taking time to be social and just BEING with people, and having real moments with people.. not just spending time to look at myself.. because truth is I find myself 2 times faster when I grow through people and the world, than trying to grow myself just as full as all those people.

This summer I had only taken 2 semesters. And now, I will go write my heart out, composing at the piano, and the corps in front of me. I will see my best friend here, and I will rest for the night…. I will remember to breathe and to smile and then to the most important thing… ; I will remember to post this blog!!

My street! !4th and 13th, showing the memorial tower

around my school area at the end of the road.

My view from my room

My new cozy candle

I’ve come to realize that my blog is like therapy for me. So, to be honest I had a long time of my life where I felt like I didn’t need to blog. See, everything in life filled me to the most and so much more till I was overflowing.. people experiences.. but see, life can’t do that for you always. Life can’t take care of you always. You have to clean out your vase every now and then and prepare, and be open and ready for life’s experiences to fill you.

So I think it’s really important to take a step back every now and then, to clean that vase… and fyi that’s literally what I plan to do tonight; I have two vases, the first I now use as a candle decoration, the second I used for a bouquet of flowers a few weeks ago.. the bouquet which I had to throw out a few days ago.. and I still haven’t cleaned out the vase from it.

Perhaps that’s the first step for me. Speaking of home in NYC… I’m so thankful that whenever I need to do this; step back and think a bit about my life and goals, needs and what I can offer to the world, - not just what I can be filled with.. I am so grateful that I am now in a city that supports that, because this city is now my home. It’s not a place where I feel foreign or where I need to find myself, my right and my place first.. I am walking down 14^th street. I’m going to Frenie’s apartment to sleepover and to spend the evening and talk and perhaps get to do more spontaneous things.. as our plan has been for this July month.

She’s my best friend in this big city at the moment. And the healthiest company for me, because she’s the exact opposite, so we challenge each other every day.

Frenie reading in my room

I went to Sephora to help her find the right colors of makeup for her, and she got me this powerful red, almost blood-covered lipstick. I have it now to wear every day… it’s my look in the performing arts. Everyone is looking at me on the street, I really don’t know why..

I’m standing in front of the corps. I plan to compose a bit. .or just sit.. I’ve been given the key to the corps so that I can go in and play or dance whenever. Just what I need!

I can’t believe it, it’s only Saturday evening and I’ve already done all my homework.. including preparing for 2 callbacks for our school’s summer readings.

It’s weird to have all this free time.. but I do think this is God’s way of giving me his precious time, to help me sit back and embrace my surroundings more, and not stress so much about my art and future.

The park next to my school, not bad place to hang out in breaks!

I only discovered this area this second year of school..

This past month, I’ve left my home to go at least one new place every day. I’ve been spontaneous and even not done things on my own premises every day. I’m becoming more and more of an ‘outrovert’ person, which I funnily enough believe I have been called by people here for a long time.. however, it’s something I have been working on a lot ever since I wanted to perform on stage.

What’s interesting for me is to have acknowledged is that I’m more and more becoming a person who recharges with other people and not on my own. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been alone and the kind of girl who recharges at home alone .. with music, a stroll in the park, or watching some of my favorite movies by myself.. I don’t know if it’s because I have been like that for 20 years.. but I think I have made a good habit of letting people become a part of my everyday life. I have been a very persistent one-man driver for the most part fo my life, and on the way I found that I was losing contact with friends or have other opportunities on the way, just because I didn’t have time to stop and embrace communities along the way.

I see a woman with a big suitcase, and it reminds me of Josephine who has been one of my best friends this past year in NYC. I said goodbye to her today, she is departing to Denmark tomorrow. I had that melancholy feeling of saying goodbye. I haven’t had to say goodbye to someone dear since I myself left for NY. For the first time I was the girl outside my homecountry who had to say goodbye to someone going back home.. I’m always the one who has to say goodbye to homes, not people.

Funny; with real friendships I’ve noticed – ever since I started moving so much around the world – it can take a very few days to get good days, it can take several months maybe to have friends that you share yourself with on a deeper level, and it takes about a year to be inseperable.

I think from maybe just a month ago Josephine began to be an inseparable friend of mine, who had become such a big part of my life here.

Josephine and I on our last day together

Today it made me think about the time I have to leave.. when or to where, or how. I don’t know.. but I was reminded of that weird, hollow feeling in your stomach when you leave to some place new or go home.. it’s a weird melancholic feeling of pushing your bravery miles and miles and miles ahead of where your truly stand.. truth is .. your new level of bravery becomes as big as the step you just took. That’s why you become so brave from having moved.. even braver when you made the choice yourself. It’s like choosing to jump in the water with your eyes closed and everything is on the decision you made.

… But I think that nothing can could really stand in my way. What’s beginning to ache in my heart though is that as I’m becoming older I create more meaningful relationships with the people around me.. and suddenly you don’t just have spontaneous friends all over the world that you are happy to have so you can go on adventures/holidays and not have to pay for a hotel anywhere in the world.. but you actually start to create personal relationships that makes it hard to be spontaneous and have a random pick on the world map.. if that’s the kind of travel/living your heart desires. I hope I never lose my spontaneity, and I dream of living in Brazil and Rome and visit Israel, Madagascar and Tibet.. and my musical theatre world even has several capitals, and I’d like to be spontaneous and just go wherever the job takes me.. I WILL be, I promise myself that.. but I just realize that it becomes more and more difficult because you suddenly have strings attached to your heart.. the longer you stretch those strings, the more they ache.. but all the strings of my heart are strong enough.. I know at least one far place where there is one attached; all the way up to heaven, and that comforts me, truly.. knowing I could do that, by choice or not, it means I can do any distance on earth.

Waking up early to see the sun rise.

Very priceless.

I’ve come to notice that it’s sometimes good to sit down and just give yourself a minute.. or an hour or two maybe half a day even. Just sit with yourself and ask yourself. What do I want.. what is it I REALLY want?

New art for my room!

The corps on 14th street, one of my favorite places for peace

and a good rehearsal for dance or composing too!

Picture on first school day for my second year!

Monday morning.. probably about a week after I first started wanting to publish this post.. but I do really promise to write more on my blog tonight. I have a callback to prepare for, but I do need to connect with you all again. Connecting with people strengthens your character and helps you stand up. Therefore, I pray and thank God for another beautiful day. For making me wake up healthy and happy. But most of all thank you for creating us beautifully, and for thinking we are beautiful.
God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.
- We just have to trust that God has a beautiful plan for us.