Anne Frank - the hero & about being a hero in church & recovering in spring

- In subway on my way to a concert at Lincoln center of Anne Frank's diary. I just saw a friend from Denmark. We talked away over dinner and completely lost the time, so I was almost running late for the show. I have no idea how time flies by like that. . We met somewhere around 5:30. Except for wanting to finish off with a frozen yogurt, all is good and I should be able to make it on time.

It was very special talking with my old friend. Interesting finishing off our conversation with - I don't know when and if we'll see each other again. That's how your relationships look like when you are a globe trotter.
It's a good thing. I used to hate it, but now living that way has become an inhabited part of me.

*

I'm sorry I just have to take a second to let this out, because if not I'll snap at some random innocent person later on.... Earlier on today I got so angry, I could have been in the middle of a Meisner exercise. I was shouted at in front of everybody in rehearsal by my scene partner (outside our scene). He thought me selfish for wanting to work on our scene together. I'm doing fine, he says with a loud exclamation on I'M - as if I have problems with acting the scene. I'm just doing my thing he continues, you're making this all about you girl.
No, because a scene is about two people, I want this for us. . And he doesn't get that.
So I used my extreme anger for the play. . Which worked very well .. Because the play requires a lot of anger. Jeez. ...

*

So - Anne Frank. ... the experience was truly amazing.
One big classical choir .. about 50 I suppose, and an instrumental trio; violin, cello, oboe and then piano. A soprano from Holland played the role of Anne Frank. . I had my jaw dropped for a big part of the concert .

The choir in Alice Tully hall, Lincoln center

The concert was a libretto version of Anne Frank's diary. In front of me in the playbill, I had the full text of the libretto, so it was like I was reading the diary while experiencing the setting with all sounds surrounding me.

I have studied Anne Frank a lot. I think she's fascinating. And the fact that there are millions of girls like her, but which only haven't written their story down is the thing that probably gets me the most.

So many things are invisible in this world, and it's scary that we need a personal story from the heart of a young girl to react against it. At least it seems like it sometimes. ... In the playbill it said: sometimes it is forgotten that Anne Frank had a family and love just like the ones of us who were lucky not to go through the war. The libretto told the story of all the things she was surrounded by - in a full description in the senses. Beyond the text, what was the truthful description of living in hiding for two years with a big family - tiptoeing, whispering and living in the dark. Hiding a soul in the world, even though it's already alive.

I can't even imagine. It must be worse than hunger and abuse. . Isn't it? Depriving yourself for a world that doesn't want you, knowing you will be found and destroyed by evil in the end.
"We have to be brave and trust in God", Anne says.

I am fascinated by a young girl finding bravery in a world so dark, describing the wonder of the sun that she sometimes could sense just a bit of outside the black shudders they kept in front of their windows, when she knows her best friend from school has been found by soldiers and killed.
There are simply no words for it.

One other favorite place in the text is when the choir sings "maybe one day we can go back to the world as normal people, not just Jews."
Imagine bring hated for who you are. Just for being someone different. I know that is a very 'normal' problem in this world, which happens on every continent, even at jobs and in schools. ... But it still shocks me that people are still judged because they're different. What else makes this world beautiful than millions of different people, cultures, languages, values, I'm asking?

The libretto ends with a piece they called Anne's meditation. . And after that we in the audience, based on our knowledge on WWII and for the most part at some point having read the diary of Anne Frank, we know that she and her family were found in their hiding place, in the attic above a shop in Amsterdam. . And then killed in a concentration camp.

And then some hero found her diary months later.

Wow.                                      

I think you should read the diary if you haven't, study her if you don't know who she is (I find that impossible. . But I think the Nazis in Germany being so close to home in Denmark, she was a big part of my education and understanding of the war. . But I know that this might not be the same for people in America. Just yesterday, I had a friend asking who she was...) ... study her, study WWII if you are only familiar with who was fighting who and what dates they were in our history. It is a story that lives in all of us still, and we need to listen to what the souls lost are whispering and crying from heaven.

While finishing up this part of the post, I am listening to some of the music again online, tearing up by the grief and heartbreak this story carries with it.. Anne Frank's diary is by my bedside, and the play version of the diary too. Got them for 1 cent on amazon. See, that easy .. that easy is it to become wiser and more filled by the fantastic stories surrounding us ;)

I would like to share the link to extracts from the libretto, perhaps you'd like to listen to it, while you finish the post. 'Annelies libretto'

Look for these texts in the libretto. How profound and special a text this is from a young teenage girl.:

"Time heals all wounds they say,

and this I found true.

Until one day,

I saw my face in the mirror.

It looked so different.

My eyes were clear and deep,

my cheeks were rosy,

my mouth was softer.

I looked happy,

and yet, in my expression, there was something 

so sad."

"One night I had a dream,

one of my best friends visited me in a dream.

She looked at me with such sadness.

Anne, why have you deserted me?

Help me, help me, rescue me from this hell!       (November 27, 1943)

To me, she is the suffering of all my friends,

and all the Jews.

When I pray for her,

I pray for all those in need."

Think, to be that strong - praying for all the young girls around her, when she was in such a terrible state herself. Anne was old enough to know that she hadn't suffered the most.. yet.

This is when I cried for real in the concert. A few days before the Nazi's found Anne and her family, she wrote this in her diary:

"Whenever you feel lonely or sad,

try going to the loft

on a beautiful day and looking

at the sky.

As long as you can look

fearlessly at the sky,

youʼll know youʼre pure within."                (February 23, 1944)

Now, I will be moving on to describing the rest of my weekend in colors, because right now I'm only crying alone in my room, over this story looking pale and black.

*

Sunday morning I woke up around 9:15, and got in the 9:50 train to Long Island for church this morning. It was truly such a blessing to be back so soon. I felt so much at home, and I was lucky to be there for the best preaching I have ever heard from Major Phil.

.. Why won't everyone go up and kneel at time of prayer, I sometimes wonder. Am I the only one who need/want/must go every time. It's like the gateway to closure and fulfilling at that precious time in church once a week.

Sitting here on the first row looking around at the people, I am thinking it is good to see a number of people here who I know are going through a difficult time in their lives or whose health even won't always allow them to leave the house. It's a blessing.

In the background, 'Nothing but thy blood' is playing. This is one of my absolute favorite worship songs.

I have the children next to me. And I am now truly a part of the family.

Good to know that it is now not just something I feel inside, but something evident everybody knows.

And this morning, quite early on in the meeting, I found the answer to my discussion in the past blog post. Where is home for me?.. you know I always hate answering that question.

Well, I found the place called home.

And this I heard from the friend God used to help me find him again.

'When we are with Christ, we are home'.

Nothing else makes sense to me really.

Nothing else allows me to be a free bird, a globetrotter and a spontaneous artist.

As long as I know home is in the heart of Christ, I can be anywhere, and I'll know it is my home. I don't have to feel the need to be part of a family, a city or country.

So obviously.. for the papers, I will be saying I'm from Denmark, living in NYC.. etc. But IF people take the time to actually ask where home is for me, I will tell them the truth.

Later on this morning we sang:

"Because he lives, I can face tomorrow. Because I know he holds the future, I have no fear"

During the ceremon this morning, Phil kept saying "I say this to the saints.. " or "I ask the saints to ...".

It's interesting because I never heard him say this until I was a soldier in church. Literally, the first time I heard him speak to his church in that way was last Sunday, when I was enrolled. Never before.

How special is that?

Call of prayer..

Prayers are never too old. They are always important and always a new song, a new part of your heart expressed through devotion. This morning at the call of prayer, Phil prayed on the stage, I knelt and prayed a personal prayer, while holding a child, praying for her and the children of the world, Susan prayed for her and Susan prayed for me.

That's 7 prayers just in one precious corner of one of the kneeling benches.

A blossom of love, hope and trust in reaching, hearing and being answered by God.

This happened all around the church - and so it did at the same time in all the other Salvation Army churches in this city, and the other churches, and all the other cities of the country, of the continent, of the world.. even in homes of those who can't go to church because they are lying sick in bed, who are banned to go by the rulers of the country, or who have to work in order to survive.

- A blossom of prayers being said every day, but especially every Sunday.

That's why this day is so special.

Next time you pray. Now, tomorrow or next Sunday.. perhaps instead of going straight into a long speech that you have waited to deliver to God... sit and wait in the silence for a bit with your hands folded.. and discover the beauty in knowing how many hands are folded like yours at the very same time. I PROMISE you there are hands folded at the same time.

Just like babies are born at the same time. Loved ones die at the same time.

If you take your time any second of the day to inhale all of this, you will understand the sacredness, beauty and vulnerability in the gazillion things that happens in one second of the day.

Just taking that in, I think, is a beautiful prayer in itself. Amen?

.. And then say to God "I can't believe your grace included me.. and all these people".

This is one of my favorite verses from the bible. One I found 3 years ago, when I woke up early in Alcabideche, Portugal to read in my book 'Praying with the psalms' on the terrace overlooking the gorgeous mountains. The second I found this, I memorized it, and it has been imprinted in my mind since then.

No sickness ends in complete death, I learnt this morning. There is no such thing. When the body leaves the earth, the soul goes elsewhere. The soul lives on - in the kingdom of God. And for the ones who don't believe that we continue our lives in heaven; the soul lives on in our hearts.

Thinking a human is completely dissolved/disappeared/dead forever is a selfish thought.

This means that we only crave for the body - the physical contact we have with that person and the physical proof of the soul we have come to love.

This would mean that we don't trust the power of love.

*

The greatest things that happen to us are unseen.

Did you ever think about that?

When a child is conceived in the womb of the mother, is it visible the second it happens? No. It is trusted by the mother and the father. It is a miracle of life we believe in. .. Then goes 9 months of the full creation of the wonder.

The personal healing by God, the power of God, is entirely unseen too by the world around us... except for the soul he is working in. The person being healed will know of God's work.

What God is doing in us is therefore no less real and grand than the miracle of Lazarus - to give an example of instant healing (a man who has been dead for 4 days is awoken and brought back to life right from the grave).

God's work in us happens underneath the surface, but it's just as real and powerful.. like a seed planted; the growth and work towards becoming a beautiful big flower happens underneath the surface.

I say (and by this I too mean - I try to tell myself over and over again...) - find the beauty in the growth, the work.. don't just wait for the result, the proof, the final blossoming. The true miracle and beauty is really the process in getting there.

Everything that happens underneath the surface.

I don't know about you, but this is my personal prayer for the night - one I hope to carry through the week.

- Especially for when we open our show 'Spring awakening'. I know that if I don't listen to the beauty of the growth happening in me in this learning process, I will only look at results after the show, and judge all things I didn't fully express as I wanted to.

But our story of Spring awakening tells the tale of children growing up and understanding,surviving and accepting the journey of becoming grown ups.

Quite fitting for my process, really.

My school advertising for our first production in history!

A sneak peak of the stage we'll be on!

Ilse, my character will be on the balcony a lot of the time.

If you don't mind, I would like you to pray for my first musical in New York!
Below are some pictures from this day. How beautiful spring has begun to blossom around me.

Our flowers out in front of the Markle!

What a wonderful weekend I ended up having.

Today after church I just chilled, watched Notting Hill, slept, took a walk through the village, and sat for hours typing and typing and typing with my window wide open.. and this view ;)

...And after 3 hours of blogging. A little more chill, and less chipping of birds - but still fresh and recovering for the mind.

Have a most wonderful week, and many wonderful seconds of prayers.

X

Easter with my grandparents and soldier enrollment ♡

I am currently staying at the Williams residence on 96th street, to be with my grandparents in the morning and evenings before and late after school. It's lovely being with them and coming home to warm milk and a night prayer with company before ending the day :)

*

I am at school thirty minutes before morning class, and it is  very peaceful looking out the window through the mist. Boats just gently flying, living their own life away fun the ground I'm standing on. It's like another world, looking out on the river.

*

I love this (something I read in the bible this afternoon); "I earnestly search for you, my soul thirsts for you, my whole body longs for you."
I have started wondering if God is found in the things that he wants us to do, meaning if we go the way he has planned for us, we will feel him nearer..

I have been wondering if this is dance for me, because I haven't been dancing as much as I usually do lately. There hasn't been the time and energy.
Maybe my relationship with him is connected to my relationship with my dancing.
Does that make sense?

*

Saturday after my rehearsal we ate out at place called American diner.

Very American. Very sweet. I loved the place, and the food was awesome. I had a salmon burger, very delichhh! It made me happy that there are tiny cheap places in other taste and style than McDonald's. This place was just as cheap but 5 gazillion times more healthy.

After this we took the train to Long Island. We were staying the night before my enrollment on Easter Sunday, so we wouldn't have to get a train arriving in time for the sunrise worship meeting at 7:30!! Yieks... but don't worry I made it ;)
Butterflies in the tummy always help.

*

Wow - and then the day came, the day I had been waiting for, for so long!
It was incredibly special to have my grandparents there, and to be enrolled by The Wittenbergs. The 4 people who have inspired me mostly in my faith. Well, Farmor is my 5th. But she was in the room too, I'm sure.

In the car on our way to church

Easter lilies

Breakfast at the corps before my enrollment

At last officially in uniform

Beautiful Easter weather outside after church

..... I had this huge lump in my chest of pure sobbing that waited to creep out. Just of overwhelmingness and happiness and relief.. but if I let it out in front of the 200 people who sat there watching in church, it would be an ugly scene!..

The full meeting and my enrollment from Easter Sunday is filmed and uploaded and can be found on youtube, here: Jasmin's soldier enrolment

This song text below was my testimony. Written and composed by me for the occasion. This performance can be found on the link I copied to youtube. :)

The best part of my life

You see what I've done,

What I'm trying to become, 

I try with all my heart, 

Thinking I'm so smart

But if I take a step back and look at what you do,

I see the best part of my life is you.

Thought I alone was strong,

Till life just proved me wrong,

But then you carried me home

Bethlehem was in my soul,

Unfailing nearness was my goal,

You said you'd never let go,

or dare to say no

So if I take a step back and look at what you do,

I see the best part of my life is you.

Nothing can be found,

Nothing can be found

- without you

Now I'm stronger once again,

Funny - I hardly acknowledge when,

Yet I forget to be filled by you,

I can't believe that's true

Now I'll always take a step back and look at what you do,

I'll see the best part of my life is you.

*

At the time of prayer, I went up by the altar and knelt to pray. Susan came up and joined me in prayer, and at some point a little girl from the church, Misharleen budged her way in between me and Susan, and she held us close and dearly, praying - what seemed like - the most devoted of us all three.
Misharleen doesn't know me that well. She has seen me dance, and was fascinated by it. I think she thinks I'm special and nice, but other than that she has no reason to trust me. Anyhow, she held my arm tight and prayed for me.

Thinking about it over again now, I know why she did that.
- This is a very special story: for my musical, Spring awakening, I recently sat interpreting the closing song,'The Song of purple summer'.
By the end of the show you've seen how this generation of children has been abused, mistreated, unheard, and challenged.. And my character is like an angel who turns to the audience and says "Listen to what's in the heart of a child, a song so big in one so small. .."

".. And heaven waits, so close it seems. . To show her child the wonders of a world beyond her dreams"

And this is like a prophet speaking to the parents and all the children on earth who think they're unseen.
So my deeper interpretation of this is that children is the closest thing we'll come to God, because they're pure and innocent and yet unbruised, so if we listen and open our hearts towards them, it is like a gateway to heaven.
But the play is melancholic and tough because these children knew of pain and were taken our of their happiness and purity long before they were supposed to.
So I know Misharleen, the little girl, was the hand of that heavenly purity this morning. Very special.
..... And funny enough, being so integrated in this theme these days there was a moment of melancholy when the kids sang upstairs. So beautiful and pure and untouched of the world, you know? So weird thinking that was us one time. . What feels like long ago. But so beautiful to watch. I am starting to understand why parents and just adults in general tear up so easily over tiny presentations.

*

After the meeting we celebrated with Easter dinner, which was Susan's delicious food.

I found my favorite of the Wittenberg production: pasta with eggs, cottage cheese, milk cinnamon and raisins. .. at least I think that's right. But interesting, right? I would never have thought of mixing those in a dish, but it was one of the best things I've ever had. Reminds me of the apple/cinnamon/nut dish from the Jewish meal Thursday before Easter Sunday. That was always my favorite of my mom's.

.. And we of course celebrated by just being together.

It was so special sharing my family again with my life in America. It is a very special thing joining people you love. Really. I hope my dad or some of my siblings can come soon.

If you came, Catarina, I would stretch with you in the morning, get you the best freshly made green juice in the city, sit with you by the fountain in the middle of Lincoln Center the whole afternoon drawing and reading stories, take you to a ballet class in New York City, go swimming and return to Lincoln Center in the evening for a ballet performance.

If you came, Dad, I would run through Central Park in the morning with you and take pictures from my roof top at sunrise, go to the Botanical gardens in Brooklyn, spend the rest of the afternoon in museums - especially by our forefather's painting at the Met, have dinner at Max Brenner's - the chocolate restaurant and see a Puccini opera at Met Opera in the evening.

If you came, Zaka, I would take a long cozy morning in my room with tea, walk through Greenwich village getting a Starbucks and seeing the Friend's building, go to Central Park zoo, get a large Italian or Mexican dinner with 3 courses - lots of meat and lots of rich dessert, then find a skyscraper to climb all the stairs in .. perhaps the empire state building or Rockerfeller center (I know we would find our way in) and then finish the day with going to the movie theatre or just seeing a bunch in my room.

If you came, Franni, I would walk up Broadway with you chatting and stopping for coffee by every new Starbucks we passed, I would take you to Barnes and Nobles and antique book stores, I would show you my school and arrange for you to meet some students studying photography, the late afternoon would be spent on bike around Central Park, we would get a good and healthy burger in the city close to Times square by all the lights and then find a cafe with tables outside late evening.

If you came, Clara, I would let you sleep till your newly found teenage soul woke you up.. and then bring you breakfast in bed with fresh berries, American pancakes with bananas and walnuts and a smoothie, then we would hurry to Times square and I'd show you all the theatres, we would eat a quick sandwich, so we could stand by the stage doors when the actors came out from their performances, we would window shop on 5th avenue, sit on a bench and people watch, later find a spot in Central Park by the lake to imitate them and make drama sketches for each other, in the evening I'd take you to Pippin and by the end of the day we'd spoon each other in my bed, gossiping and joking all night long.

Let's wait and see. Maybe either of those days will be fulfilled!
Goodnight to you all.
My love, X

All sorts of crazy things happening this past week..

I am sitting on the subway on my way back after the first class of the day. I wasn't far from fainting several times and I couldn't have a conversation in class without having to hold a tissue in my face.. so I figured that it was best to return home and get better immediately. Quite frankly, I don't have time on my schedule to get sick, so better save it now and get lots of rest before it gets even busier and more important to be present.

I need tea and fairy tales, so I will see if someone from home is available to call.

Last night, getting back from Spring Awakening rehearsals around 11, I had to finish a 1000 word essay on a Broadway show - my midterm exam. . meaning nothing I could possibly be excused from doing. I am glad I got it done, but not happy about the little rest I've gotten.

*

Thursday before Easter my grandparents are arriving. This is surreal, but I am sure looking forward to see them. The second I get to be with them again, I will know how truly little distance geographically.. and in time... there is between us, and the rest of the ones at home. .. home. or whatever Denmark is to me.

Home is one of my favorite words. - But picking one spot geographically is not a thing I am fond of.. when I think of home, it's in a deeper, more metaphorical way..
First of; whatever space/whichever people I feel comfortable/unjudged/loved by.
Second of; the goal in the song - whatever you are fighting for to reach through the obstacle, the want/need.. this is the place you imagine yourself in, in a win situation.

I promise you I always feel tongue tied when people ask me where I'm from... strange to find something so banal difficult. I guess it's also a state of heart. A feeling of being settled.
Well I don't!.. I might as well already spoil that for you. lol. But really, no one is... are they?

I imagine every human being to be a restless soul, because we never stop thinking/dreaming. Our thoughts are never still. Heaven knows, and Meisner knows, that feelings never are... so truly settling, and not ever thinking outside the walls of whatever box you created is really the description of a dead soul. It's the human not responding to instincts, forgetting what it is to learn something new every day, neglecting any new human contact.

No-one I know is like that.. but I have come across people like that. I would not be friends with people like that, truly.. They do exist.
But this thought I'm typing out is really not to emphasize on the negative, but to remind of the positive.
There is just such a beauty in always thinking new thoughts, always feeling new things, always learning ahead... looking for new places to travel, setting new goals, desiring to meet new people.

- Yes, this has been a theme of my blog writing for a long time, 'Home'.. just because I think it is a peculiar and yet profound word.

*

Thursday:
Thursday evening I had rehearsals till 10 pm, and then it was the plan to go to the apartment my grandparents were staying in during their visit in NYC, at William's residence up on the upper West side, 96th street.
I got there around 11 pm.. thinking I'd already find them in the apartment. I was getting really sleepy, despite the excitement.. and just when I was about to fall asleep close to 1 am, they knocked on the door!

They came in with a big smile on their face, and ready for a hug.. but they were well tires, because they had spent hours waiting for public transport.. out in the cold :/
Anyhow, we got to share a cup of tea, some rye bread, licorice and chocolate Easter eggs all from my family.

Friday: For the next day, we were able to sleep in - which was fantastic!! I had rehearsals in the afternoon, but after that.. around dinner time, we had the evening together to eat at the Markle and go to the Good Friday service on 14th street.

Here I reunited them with their long term friends, the Wittenbergs.. which of course is how I first got contact to my American family.
I felt a huge pile of happiness overflowing, when I saw them catch up. Very special to share families like that between people I love dearly.

The Good Friday service was truly wonderful. There were some amazing artistic presentations. The acting sketches are by far some of the best I've seen in the Salvation Army. Then there was a very powerful dance, that Josephine my Danish friend was in. It eas very powerful, and I was happy to see good dancers!

The call to prayer was much needed, and I had missed kneeling before the altar in a long time. I just kept crying and praying, "I miss you. Fill me with your Holy Spirit."
That was all I needed to pray for till my enrollment coming up 2 days later.

.. There was a feeling for wanting to prepare myself for that special day, being as clean and willing as possible. But... I really don't think there is such a thing as prep for God, really - I think there is just an immediate yes or no from us, when he starts to put his hand on our soul. And that is one answer I know I won't fail choosing right.

I know I won't fail wanting to find God more and be filled more on Sunday. That's the best I can do standing by the altar, really.

It was so beautiful being able to worship with my grandparents here, and praying with them.

*

Saturday:
We had a lovely brunch in the morning at my grandparent's favorite cafe - Barnes and Nobles. It's a giant book store, but they always end up spending extra time in a cafe, if there is one close-by, without doubt. They love their tea ;) So do I.. but being with them, I remembered that I am not as good at taking the time and initiative to make my own.

It was so very delicious, and I was truly stuffed for a good long time.

Cinnamon latte and banana, followed by a chicken pesto sandwich

Beautiful pink flowers of the spring coming out!

.... followed by an apple pie.

which was really good, but also had a lot of sugar... !

*

Monday:
..... Man, it's difficult to leave my grandparents in a cozy home at morning to go to school. I woke up knowing that I'd been sound asleep all night, a wonderful feeling. But, I guess rather wanting to stay in and drink tea doesn't support having to leave the door at 8 am.

My granddad woke me by taking dozens of pictures in my face, while I was sleeping like a puppy. . At least that's what I hope I looked like, otherwise I shall have to delete a part of his memory card!
Sweet and actually weird being loved in that way. They love me very much, indeed. On Wednesday they're taking me to The Lion King on Broadway. I am indescribably exited :D

What else is new? .. Clara my sister who's very much already a teenager, even though she's not actually in her teens anymore, just got a Facebook.... I think it's very very cute, and it makes me happy to now be able to hear more from her, and faster!

.. I am falling asleep in bed, as usual. Well, it is 12:30 at night, so I guess I'm excused to fall into a deep and wonderful sleep now.. FINALLY being able to sleep in a couple of hours more. Hallelujah, I have needed it so.

Sleep tight and don't let anyone bite!
X